OK, I’M GONNA SPEAK UP. I see the dynamic with the women I work with every day more clearly than ever.Even the most enlightened of husbands and fathers don’t truly know how to support and leave free the women in their lives in a way that doesn’t have the men’s fears of inadequacy in the forefront: in their effort to save support and protect, that have often been controlling, limiting, intimidating, and–while it is not done with malice–their fears are holding back and oppressing the women in their lives and in society.
And even the most enlightened women are innately and societally programmed to take it, to accept, to care for, bring along, wait for, bow to, and give up the farm in the name of nurturing these well-meaning men in a way that we simply can’t. Their fears are their own and have created centuries of partriarchy in the name of the secret they have tried so hard to cover up with laws and rules and untruths and abuse of women: that men simply are NOT the more powerful or superior gender. (Neither are women). It is time for ALL to step up to the plate in a big way and knock this thing out of the park.
When women keep the conversation on that level of fear and cover-up and aiming to please or convince or dialogue with that twisted reality–OUT OF BOTH LOVE AND FEAR, BECAUSE MUCH OPPRESSION AND VIOLENCE HAS BEEN WIELDED WHEN THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IS EXPOSED–things do not go well for either sex. And yet the status quo has been hard to break. This election was like a huge tantrum–the kind of ‘change back’ reaction cited in Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger–i.e., when the compassionate feminine (in both men and women) started to rise up and change the old dance steps by bringing with it traditionally oppressed populations and different but equal attitudes, the least challenged, most coddled, and least enlightened of all–WHITE MALE SUPREMESISTS–mounted a ‘change-back’ reaction. This is a knee-jerk mindless fear-driven reaction unconsciously (or consciously) meant to restore the dance steps back to the old familiar (i.e, the other will do whatever it takes to maintain the status quo, even if everyone knows it wasn’t working).
What it takes to ‘live through’ the change back reaction is what happened today (and will need to keep happening via real grass-roots action): Women saying NO MORE. Women and the men who are big and humble enough to support us and recognize that we have strengths they simply don’t (just as they have strengths we simply don’t). This isn’t sexist talk–this is brain research and testosterone/ estrogen levels and a whole lot more, and of course I am leaving room for tons of individual variation outside those stereotypes (I can do that because I’m a woman and have worked hard to open my mind and tear down soceital programming in my own mind). When we WOMEN stand in our strengths and stop losing a sense of our reality when oppressors talk, when WE set the tone, and stay with it, whether it’s in marriage or parenting or the business world or politics, THINGS GO WELL and life expands.
When we don’t, things go badly and life contracts down to the level of the most limited fear-driven thought we feel we have to accommodate, help, nurture, coddle, accept. I have known for years that I had very little fear of my own–even kids in my school growing up saw that–but I always showed up as fearful, indecisive (since I couldn’t separate my wants from caretaking what others wanted), crying a lot, burning myself out to please until i got energy illnesses, lots of physical and emotional pain, food addiction, and immune disorders. These same codepenence-spawned conditions are RAMPANT in our society. Even among some of the MOST enlightened men and women I have counseled, the women are truly AFRAID to say what is true for them–in fact even lose a sense of their own reailty and of what really works for them and their family–given the man’s willingness to escalate, use financial and other kinds of coercion, or threaten to leave–actually scaring them. So they just take it. I did too! We don’t even SEE it, it’s so familiar and we are clueless to know how to change it. Both sexes are victims of society programming–brainwashing that has resulted in a HUGE minimization and marginalization of women–that simply is out of alignment with reality and therefore doesn’t work.
SO thanks, middle America, for helping us see that we CANNOT wait for you to change, we cannot continue to subvert what we know and can do and can give, we CAN and MUST set an entirely new tone (which asks men to step up the the plate and let us lead in our amazing ways, rather than us going far out of our way to coddle and cajole and let them lead in their limited ways). And when I start to help them see that they were just buying into someone else’s fear, they get better, they get awesome, they get strong and amazing (and some get big change-back reactions from their husbands. Other’s husbands are their best cheerleaders, and have just been waiting for their wives to own their own greatness).
When we stand in our truth and exercise our incredible powers and gifts without needing to justify our world view to men, it is exactly what they needed and wanted too! Everyone is better for it. Absolutely. But we must hold the space, not for the limited view but for the higher view–matter-of-factly living the fearless, condition-free, faith in the good that women espouse. If it is not already too late for life on this planet, the kind of cooperation and organization and love and skill and brains women can bring, will help bring out the kind of love and cooperation and organization and skill and strength men can bring too. The fact that these MILLIONS could meet in peace is SO incredible–a testament to what I am talking about.
The movie GroundHog’s Day is a huge spiritual metaphor–stuff will keep happening over and over and over and get worse until we get the lessons it so patiently holds for us–only then we are free to move into a new day full of hope and possibility.
MEN: Please don’t fight back any more. Please don’t say “I”m holding the space for my wife to grow,” (as a seemingly very enlightened man said to me last night), and then try to legislate HOW she grows and make her account for every iota of the money and time she spends. Do EVERYTHING you can to simply work on your resistance to letting lead. Let her be her INCREDIBLE self, and Humbly realize that you can’t even keep up and that you are more dependent on her and more in awe of her than you can even admit to yourself. Let that be OK.
Support us in every way and let us support you–not by distracting ourselves with your fears and unwillingness to take responsiblitiy for them, but by standing back and inviting us to call the shots in our amazing way. Iceland put woman in charge and completely turned the financial crisis around before all the world did. All the children have food and good schools and health care, and great order has been restored–and they locked up the banker-offenders in a far-away prison (while we in the US slapped hands, denied what was happening (see the Big Short), and only locked up ONE, and he was Muslim).
It really is time to humble yourselves to truths you already see. Be willing to watch and serve while we show you how to put the planet in order–trust for a change and work on your own fearful projections–they are just thoughts–I can help you with it so life is fun again. Take time to question your beliefs about what you need to do to keep us line line, and turn them around–whatever you feel is being done to you is what you are doing to yourself and to others–I call it the Reliable Symmetry of Happiness. Let it wake all of us up–women too–to the fact that the reality we perceive is always an inside job.
WOMEN We are the ones oppressing ourselves when we buy into this shit–they are just doing the best they can given what they are believing. We are the real offenders when we blindly follow and don’t question the old programming the has us in the trance that they are somehow the more powerful sex. Know you’ll be ok (women if we stand in our truth and men if you let us–or even encourage it). We really DO have differing strengths and roles to play.
This is not about militant feminism at all–this is about it being ABOUT TIME. NO ONE IS TO BLAME. WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN GIVEN CENTURIES OF PROGRAMMING AND HORMONES. BUT IT’S TIME AND IT TAKES ALL OF US. And IT WON’T HAPPEN UNTIL WE MATTER-OF-FACTLY expect it and accept nothing less and stop making excuses for the ways women have evolved even beyond so many amaZing men–and have the innate capability to evolve even further (once we stop waiting for permission) and set the tone for a new order.
This is about the ways we have ALL minimized the loving, powerful, hopeful realities women are designed and able to carry; we have minimized our own strengths and competence; we have slowed down our abilities to shuttle between both sides our brains in ways that men simply can’t; we made our selves physically and emotionally ill from carrying the weight of the world. Let us carry it lightly, and expect the men in our lives–like all the amazing men at todays March–to carry it with us—TOGETHER. Do it for the children. xoxox
Don’t let this happen to the child in all of us any more. xoxox
Spoken in LOVE,
(You go girl!),
(please share widely–IT’s TIME)