I don’t want to wake you with this text but I am seeing that in some ways you are just using our time with me to focus on one emergency after another. And while you always let me know that it is helping a lot and I see you evolving through this hardship, I also see that it would be so much more meaningful, in the short and long term, to put yourself solidly in the practice of this work. You would develop confidence in yourself and what life is handing you, feel so much better physically, be so much clearer about decisions, and have a way to support and evolve yourself with every roller coaster ride life sends your way.
PUTTING OUT FIRES
It is common for people going through divorce, or any difficult life event, to just be putting out fires, focused on the next “thing” they think they have to do to save themselves, and it all feels like that’s all you can do. Yet I am seeing (with others going through equally traumatic circumstances) that if you let the practice of questioning your thinking—caring about your own happiness more than you care about being right or getting it right or focusing on what another is doing wrong or controlling outcomes —you get to USE your reactions to your circumstances to create the no-matter-what kind of safety and unconditional support you’ve been seeking.
Once you REALLY get this, you get to go through this divorce and to go through the rest of your life in a state of connectedness, clarity and thriving by constantly using your reactions to wake yourself up to what you—not anyone else—are doing to the littlest parts of you when you blindly believe a thought.
CONNECTEDNESS, CLARITY, and THRIVING
When you do not put yourself in a committed practice of stopping to observe what believing that thought is doing to you, you continue to abandon yourself and life will continue to be putting out fires on the outside. You will not be creating from within and receiving what is already here to support you (often showing up as your next problem).
This creating and receiving becomes the end of focusing on changing your circumstances or judging another’s actions and not taking these simple steps to neutralize the thought behind the pain by turning it around—thus revealing your path to peace.
For example, if you are telling yourself “this bed is going to make my back pain worse,” when you turn it around you get “this bed is not going to make my back worse, I am going to make my back worse” (by believing my thoughts about the bed and about someone else and making this into a not-nurturing place), or “I am going to make this bed worse” (your thoughts and fears will make the bed worse than it is).
MY HUSBAND (or…?) IS PUSHING ME AROUND
My husband (substitute life, a spouse, a child, my job here) “is pushing me around and making me agree to things I don’t want.” Working this one deeply and in the specific ways you feel what they are doing to find how “I am pushing myself around and making me agree to things I don’t want” (give up my own house, consider staying with spouse, believing I will be in a wheel chair and need spouse to take care of me, taking a job I don’t want) and find how you are creating these repeating patterns in your life by seeing clearly how “I am pushing them around.” Find for yourself the ways you use coercion and subtle or not subtle efforts to control others—to try to get them to ease your pain and meet your needs (even by waiting a long time for them to do the right thing on your behalf) rather than just openly asking for what you want.
Free-Fall into FREEDOM this Fall!!!!
It’s time. Don’t be hard on yourself if you find the ways you’ve been creating your own worst outcomes —just know that it is new to you to make decisions for yourself about your life without getting tangled up in what others want or are doing “to you.” Just notice it and come back to yourself and make decisions from a happy vision, not from fear of lack.
You and the new friend you are experiencing issues with now have attracted this situation to yourselves as a safe and powerful tool to evolve yourselves. Whatever upsets you holds the key…. that means freedom, as you are either loving life or using it to wake yourself up to the beliefs that are the only cause of your suffering. You see how it works….you’re just not really USING it yet to help yourself to happiness.
A STATE OF UNSHAKABLE SAFETY AND SELF-SOLIDARITY
If you put yourself deeply and squarely in the practice of questioning every stressful thought that is driving your reactivity around your divorce or any other stressful situation, you can both use this and your divorce to begin to build unshakable safety right there in your situation—by humbly taking a look and finding the ways you are (and have been for a long time) doing to yourself and others what you thought they were doing to you, and how you are whatever you see them as (if you think they are acting entitled, find the ways you are doing the same towards them and towards the littlest parts of you).
As you find your own innocence and see that you are always doing the best you can, given what you are believing, you move into a state of inner advocacy I call SELF-SOLIDARITY.
I am strongly recommending that you put yourself (for real) into this practice by being part of the 4-month No Matter What group that starts in one month. It creates the shift by putting you in a place where you learn this practice, and hold yourself in the fun and trans-formative exercises as you take 120 days to consciously dismantle your most dis-empowering mindsets.
You can still use the divorce group (and the 4-month group as well) to work on your divorce issues, as well as the partner work for the group and the private sessions with me that come with the group. These are each structured in a way to systematically evolve you out of old patterns.
A FULLY EMPOWERED, NON-VICTIM, CONNECTED, CREATIVE, JOY INFUSED PARADIGM!
You are at a point where you have a phenomenal opportunity to use the reflection of others in the group as well as your own work to step into a new, fully empowered, non-victim, connected and creative, joy-infused paradigm that will sustain you for life.
But you actually have to do it. As much as I want to help and I love the relationship between us, I can’t do this for you. You actually would have to put yourself into this practice of proactively helping out the thinking that is causing the pain and confusion and caused the years of inertia, denial, and futile efforts to control—the resulting sense of victim hood.
No one else can do it for you, not even me—no matter how much I care and want that for you.
Stand with, by, and for yourself, NO MATTER WHAT. Find out for yourself through committed, tenacious, self-inquiry that you are and will be okay-NO MATTER WHAT. Let yourself be held by me and others in this practice as you learn to truly hold yourself and others in this practice.
To do that, I invite you to join the NO-MATTER-WHAT Masterclass and Coaching Cocoon that starts the week of Oct. 15. (I can send you a link that tells you what is in it).
I also invite you to come religiously to the Wednesday night group at Unity —3 weeks, starting on Sept 18 from 6:30-8:30 pm—and even write while you are in the group to question the thinking that would make you uncomfortable and write it down and bring it to our attention in the group or to me afterwards. Part of you is going to want to run and tell yourself you have more important things to be working on like the divorce, but nothing will save or involve you like putting yourself in this practice for real.
INVESTING IN YOU THIS TIME
If you say it is too much money, it seems unfair to yourself to not know that you can give this to you, and find a way to make it work. To be going through this time without this is unnecessary suffering and prolonging patterns; to be going through this time with it is an investment in yourself and a much happier future. Just make it part of the support you advocate for in the divorce, and don’t wait for someone else to give it to you. Give it to yourself.
It also comes with half off of the retreat registration price, an amazing place to rest and heal, and gives you a safe space, big infusion of this work, and a lot of shifts by seeing yourself in others (yummy food too) all in 3 days.
We could keep going with the private work, but I see that the groups are what really let you get this as a practice for yourself.
You can do this!
XXOO Shawn 🙂