Something really big is happening for me. I am being asked to step up to the plate in an area I know to be one of the most painful that we deal with. An area about which I learned the hard way in my own marriage, and as I was leaving it.
The retreat at my house last weekend was TRULY spectacular, with all but one person signing on for my year-long Symmetry of Self-Love Mastermind (that includes individual coaching as well as a ‘group think’ consisting of the most amazing folks who are already raising each other up in unimaginably wonderful ways. ) I am OVER THE MOON about the way this group is shaping up, as I start individual work with folks and we move into our first session on Tuesday!
A Powerfully Emerging Theme of DISCONNECT in Today’s Society
More and more, as the others did their work, each began to witness in themselves the very serious ways they fail to stand for themselves in their marriages and other settings. And how their co-dependent efforts to stand for themselves end up being woefully manipulative and ineffective, hurthing not only themselves, but their husbands, children, and others in their lives. At the same time the realization of our collusion in these very untenable situations came to life, there was no blame or shame; we so clearly witnessed the innocence in our ‘not knowing another way.’ And how we attract the very situations where we feel ‘clueless’ as a way to grow ourselves up (we just didn’t know how before–but those that are doing it now are evolving themselves almost overnight!).
Bottom line, there seems to be an epidemic where the marriage (or our work or child-raising or exteneded family situation) is far from what we want it to be (with the most common complaint being husbands parked in front of the TV almost around the clock when at home).
The “Silent Suffering’ Epidemic in Marriages
I call it the ‘silent suffering’ that goes on in marriage or the other parts of our lives where we don’t want to leave, but we feel clueless and lost about how to get our needs met if we stay. READ MORE…..
It’s happening for both parties in different ways, and yet the side that is being transformed before my eyes when we work on it is the way women are so busy MOMMYING everyone else that they not only put themselves last, but perpetuate and even sometimes create the emasculation of those they claim they want to come to their rescue. As a result of their work on themselves in the retreat, EVERYONE went home to their husbands and grown children that seemed like different people. They witnessed tangible changes in their behavior, without having spoken to them. So who changed?
I witness a cultural phenomenon where many roles have changed, but have not been integrated for the better. And the easy anesthetization of this inner-marraige pain by the powerful addiction of TV seems a chronic symptom that screams of how neither party knows how to assert our needs in grown-up ways.
These accomplished, stellar, highly conscious women–often leaders in their field–not only put their own needs last, but become little and clueless in their efforts to appease their husband’s fears. To the extent that they feel completely unable to take a stand against varying levels of emotional, physical and even financial abuse that seem so obvious to others when they admit what goes on behind the closed doors of their marriage. In most cases their best coping strategy is denial, not really admitting to themselves the scope of the problem and the disparity between what they feel they need and what they have. And in their helplessness they return they become abusive right back, in their own ways. No one is responsible for ‘staring it,’ but we can take a stand for ending it once we know how to turn around the fearful stories that are keeping both parties so stuck.
STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE for Ourselves INVITES OTHERS TO ALSO
Yes, the ways this work is different–and why it is so effective–is that, rather than pointing the finger at or trying to change our situation or the other person, we witness the ways we give it all away. We see what we are doing to ourselves, and how that system gets projected onto the rest of our world, since it is the lens through which we view all that appears to be persecuting us. We see clearly, using the behaviors to which we thing we have fallen victim as a mirror, how we are only the victim of our own programming. In seeing that how WE are the ones who most cruelly abandon ourselves to become who we think we need to be for them to feel safe, we root out the real source of the problem. Take a look. Where do you:
- Not even admit to ourselves, let alone your ‘persecutor’ the ways you feel unsafe with them that are keeping you from speaking up and standing in your truth,
- Internalize other’s criticism of you and feel there is something wrong with YOU, and therefore you don’t really deserve to ask for what you need till you get that cleaned up,
- Make it all about what THEY are doing to you–hurting yourself by closing your heart to the very people you want most to love–when in truth they are simply a helpful reflection of what you are already doing to yourself in your head.
Once we clean up the minimizations, criticisms, put-downs, disempowerment, abandonment, and deprivation that takes place in our own relationship to ourselves, the rest of the our lives and relationships start to fall into line.
It’s All an INSIDE JOB–A HOPEFUL, HELPFUL Diagnosis for True Change
When we become the most amazing never-say-die MOM to ourselves (that includes you, guys–you also have to “MOM” yourselves and not leave that to us)…. when we finally learn to hold and never leave that most tender, vulnerable part of oursevles in a non-stop snuggly near our hearts, never turning against our most well-meaning selves no matter HOW we show up, trusting we are always doing the best we can–then the rest of the world will start to treat us that way too.
Our loved ones actually love it when we step up to the plate on our own behalf. It gives them permission and clear direction as to how to meet us in the middle by stepping up for us too, with their part, which is all they really want to do. We have often tied their hands by asking them to play roles that only WE can play for ourselves.
They don’t want to and CAN’T do our part–we have to do that for ourselves and let the ALL-THAT-IS (including how we and they are showing up) hold us in its limitless perfection. When undo the thinking that has kept us from doing that, the others in our lives are finally free to do what they can do in a way that doesn’t feel coerced, cornered, or destined for failure (which makes them want to give up and watch TV to anesthesize the pain).
When we expect more from them, and stand in powerful ways to get it, those that want to be with us will step up to the plate (and we would be better off alone than with those who don’t).
The Road to SWEET SOLIDARITY–Which Spawns all other CONNECTION
This is not about HIM. OR the JOB. Or the CLIENTS. Or our CHILDREN. Whatever triggers us about them is just here for our enlightenment, to wake us up to what we are doing to ourselves. We just didn’t know how to USE all the pain to turn everything around.
BUT WE DO NOW. Come join us…. while I am thrilled with the make up of this group, there are still 4 slots left in this 11-person mastermind group (not only limited to women, but so far the most amazing, high-powered women who have really done their spiritual homework, the majority of which have been working with me already) as we continue the journey of taking the role our spouses and children and the world need us to take: The one where we are the most amazing, unconditionally loving moms to ourselves and in doing so model how to be the same to themselves.
It starts Tuesday. And you can still come in after that (not trying to scare or pressure you; you do that well enough on your own). CLICK HERE to Learn more about this incredibly transformational and fun program, where we learn to ‘have our back’ by letting others have it in such clean ways.
Not everyone is ready for this deep dive into what I call SELF-SOLIDARITY, but if you think you are, give me a call. You can email, too, but unless I already know you, there is an interview required. NO appointment needed since we are down to the wire. +1-301-785-0545
I will continue to invite qualified folks for your own year-long journey until we hit our quota, as you can enter the 6 Keys to Dependable Peace and Delicious Connection Modules at any point in time.
Right now–MOTHER’S DAY–would be a powerful statement to yourself that you intend to never again abandon the parts of you that can’t do any better; the ones that have gotten hold of the thinking that drives your unwanted emotion s and knee-jerk reactions to life–the ones that are showing you through the painful areas that still exist even after your long and dedicated spiritual journey, that they are ready to see through those old paralyzing stories, all the way to your freedom.
In taking a stand in the most important ways for yourself, investing in doing what is best for you, you will–without a doubt–also be taking the best stand you can take for your loved ones.
🙂 Shawn Mahshie