So how do you always have what you want? Hmm. . . Well, at one point I figured out that the way to have what you want is to want what you have. I spent so much of my life not wanting what I had. There was just a part of me that was always railing against whatever happened to me. There was something a little bit wrong with it, or my mind would create a condition.
I Believed Things Should be Different Than They Are
The thing I always say is that the one thought behind all emotional pain is,”This should be different than it is,” …whether it was me, or something else. And yes, I was a little bit or a lot happy much of the time. I’m really grateful and really connected, and yet a lot of the time I was in angst and anxiety. I was trying to control, and trying to change, and believing things should be different than they were, or believing I was a victim of someone else’s behaviors or choices.
The reason this happens is because we have a clear picture in our mind of how it should be. Our monkey minds like to maintain an illusion of control so that they feel like we’ve got this: “Okay we’ve got this. I know what needs to happen here.” And then when it doesn’t happen, we’re left believing,“Oh that’s not what I want. I wanted something else.” Or even, “I need something else, or I won’t be happy.”
It’s those “Conditions for Happiness” (or safety, or enoughness, or loveableness) that our minds love to come up with! And when we know how to take care of the conditions, we end up with UN-Conditional Connection to self, others, and life (SOAL).
Move into Self-Solidarity
I’m a happiness and self-solidarity coach and author, and I have pretty much learned how to want what I have. I’ve created a system that helps people want what they have, and that lets them have what they want: their lives, their relationships, their health, their bodies, their relationship to themselves most of all.
They start moving into self-solidarity–standing with, by, and for the itertation of themselves, others, and life that shows up in any given moment.
So how do we do that? Well, part of it is just based on this simple way of questioning and turning around the thinking that creates the condition–“The Work” of Byron Katie is one of the ways I teach how to do that.
I always say that unconditional connection comes from questioning the thought that you even know what it should be in that moment, questioning that you know what is a good or a bad outcome, questioning that you know how someone else should be showing up, that you even know what you need.
Question Your Thinking
You can take a thought like, “I need her to stop taking this personally.” So by creating that condition, the conditional thought is, “If only this, then that. If only she would stop taking it personally, then I’d be happy.”
So we link up our happiness with the idea that it has to be a certain way, and pretty soon we know we’re not so happy because we’re believing that thought.
As soon as we question the bottom-line validity of the condition, it falls away and we can no longer believe that’s what we need. Or we even love not knowing what we need, and trusting what shows up. There is so much freedom in realizing, “Wow, I want this person to be just the way they are. I don’t want that condition I placed on her. I don’t want her to NOT take it personally. I want the one that’s in front of me now. Exactly as she is.”
That is love. The ego says, “you need to be this way, you need to make me feel better, you need to make me more comfortable with how you’re showing up, you need to not judge me, you need to not take it personally.”
It’s actually the other way around! When I turn the thought around, I realize, “I am the one who needs to not take it personally.” And in turning it around, I find my freedom. My wish for her to not take it personally becomes my teacher, once I know how to use it, and I realize I’m taking it personally.
So to get to peace, “I need to not take it personally.”
To want what I have means I want her to show up taking it personally, BECAUSE SHE IS, and get curious about what’s going on there.
Concerned, Curious, and Empathetic
When you’re taking something personally, it’s because it hurts. You feel affronted by someone.
So when I stop believing the thought that I want her to stop taking it personally, I get really concerned and curious and empathetic. I want to know what really is going on with her. I don’t need to defend any more. I can see her over there believing her thinking. It may or may not be about me.
I’m also going to really look at my part so it’s just really fun to be able to say, “Wow, I want what I have!” In part, in this case, her offense was painful to me and it brought me a lesson:
I saw how I was taking personally her act of taking it personally.
So those moments are going to be our great teacher. At the times we get triggered, we can see how we are doing to ourselves and others exactly what we thought they are doing to us. And again, as those conditions fall away, you want what you have, so you get to have what you want.
ONE OF THE MAIN WAYS WE WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT WE HAVE IS WHEN OUR PARTNER OR SOMEONE ELSE CHARACTERIZES US IN A WAY THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE INTENDED. THAT IS WHEN WE FEEL A DEEP URGE TO DEFEND! THAT URGE IS A GOLDMINE FOR SELF-EVOLUTION, AND IS THE FOCUS OF MY NEW EBOOK, “THE DEFENSIVENESS DIALOGUE.”
CALL TO ACTION!: Once you’ve downloaded the ebook, you get the invitation to book a free 45-minute Defensiveness Dialogue call with me!